Searching for Shichibukai
by Baka Kitsune
Summary: The Ouka Shichibukai are searching for a new member to replace Crocodile -- I can't believe I wrote this. I can't.


SEARCHING FOR SHICHIBUKAI  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Far away on a magical island that we shall refer to as Hidden Pirate Island, the Ouka Shichibukai lounge around behind a large wooden table inside their mansion of mystery -- which they have opened up to the public for a certain event -- searching, for the next member of their elite gang. Since Crocodile was imprisoned, they couldn't exactally call themselves the "Seven Armed Seas" with only six of them -- it would be false advertising for god's sake! They're pirates, not NBC!  
  
  
  
Pirates of all sorts have gathered here for interveiws -- even though a large portion of them were scarred for life and ran away from the island thanks to the combined efforts of Mihawk and Doflamingo; if they wern't being stabbled, they were getting molested. Most, couldn't take that kind of pressure -- those were the smart ones. So now, all that's left are the slim pickings at the bottom of the barrel.  
  
  
  
"Hi, I'm Alice Cooper," said Blackbeard, stepping up to the men behind the wooden table.  
  
"No you're not," said Mihawk, with a bit of a scowl.  
  
"What do you mean?!" Blackbeard protested, "Of course I'm Alice Cooper! Need me to sing for you?!"  
  
"Ooo.. Please DO!" squeeled Doflamingo, jumping up and sitting on the edge of the table, grinning to the incredibly pug-fugly pirate.  
  
"Um...Uhh.. O-only women bleed..." Blackbeard stammered, stepping backwards.   
  
"FUFUFUFU!!!! EEEEEE!!!!" Doflamingo cried, fanning himself with his hands, bouncing up and down. "This one's a keeper!!"  
  
"No he's not -- NEXT." Mihawk shouted. Doflamingo pouted,  
  
"But.. He's Alice Cooper!!"  
  
"No he isn't! Besides, you don't even LIKE Alice Cooper!"  
  
"What makes you think that?!" the blonde haired, pink-boa wearing pirate cried, sliding across the table to Mihawk.  
  
"Because when Kuma gave you the Best of Alice Cooper for Christmas, you took it back to MusicWorld and got a Savage Garden CD instead!"  
  
"..So I like Savage Garden a little more than Cooper, what's your point?"  
  
"If was a Savage Garden CD you already had THREE of."  
  
"...I like to keep at least one in mint condition!!" Doflamingo whined as the two men continued to argue.  
  
"I like puppies," Kuma chimed in. Both men stopped fighting and looked at the massive bear-man. Kuma fell silent -- but Mihawk continued to stare at the gargantuan pirate. Kuma looked at Mihawk, confused. "What.. What is it..?"  
  
"..Where are your eyes?" Mihawk said, squinting, trying to find where Kuma's eyes were exactally.  
  
"FUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFU!!!!!" Doflamingo broke out laughing in his closed-mouth chuckle of utter abnoxiousness. Mihawk shuttered -- he HATED that laugh.  
  
"Hey guys, sorry I'm late!!" Jimbei said, rushing in -- wearing a wetsuit, leather boots, long ladies gloves and a bag with a question mark over his head.   
  
"Thanks for finally showing up, Mr. PROMISED TO BE EARLY!" Doflamingo cried, taking offense to Jimbei's lateness.  
  
"Sorry, I had boat trouble." Jimbei apologized, a sweatdrop appearing on the question-mark bag.  
  
"Jim -- You're a MERMAN. You can SWIM faster than a boat.." Mihawk said, sighing and rubbing his temples.  
  
"What?! And get my bag wet?! NOT A CHANCE!" Jimbei snapped.  
  
"..Why do you wear that stuff anyways..?" Kuma asked.  
  
"I'm a mysterious man, Kuma my friend. An enigma who's also a rebel -- following my own rules..and commanding a hoarde of Mermen while I'm at it!"  
  
"Rebel rebel, put on your dress--" Mihawk sang softly to the familiar David Bowie tune now playing through his head.  
  
"Hey.. That's a GOOD idea!!" Jimbei cried, turning around and pulling a pink dress out of his wetsuit and putting it on quickly. "Hey, can someone tie my bow?" he asked, pointing to the back of the dress.  
  
"Um.. I'm.. I'm going to go now.." said Blackbeard, slowly backing away and then running out of the room.  
  
"Well Jim, you scared off someone faster than Doflamingo ever could. Good work," Mihawk congradulated the other pirate.  
  
"Thanks Mihork, now stop calling me Jim," Jimbei said, sternly.  
  
"Make me."  
  
"Okay DRACUL," Jimbei said -- causing Mihawk to shudder.  
  
"DRACUL?! Your name is DRACUL?!" Doflamingo said, "FUFUFUFU!!!! I never knew that!!"  
  
"Thanks alot JIM! Now Donkey-Boy knows my name!" Mihawk said with a stern scowl.  
  
"Donkey-boy?! I take offense to that!! My name is DONQUIXIOTE!"  
  
"Like the guy who fought the windwills?" Mihawk asked.  
  
"Yes.. Exactally like the guy who fought the windmills.." Doflamingo said with a sweatdrop. Kuma chukled a bit as he tied up the bow on the back of Jimbei's dress.  
  
"Quit laughing at me~!!" Doflamingo whined.  
  
"Hey, Mihawk? Where are the sticky buns..?" Shanks said, walking over to the table.  
  
"Hey, who let Akagami in here?!" Jimbei demanded.  
  
"Relax Jimbei, he just tagged along with me," Mihawk stated. "Shanks, the sticky buns are ontop of the fridge, now leave us alone, we're having a VERY IMPORTANT MEETING."  
  
"But it seems so fun in here.." Mihawk said, pointing to Jimbei's dress. "Can I wear a dress too?"  
  
"Yes, but you have to go away now, okay?" Mihawk asked, half demanding of it.  
  
"Okay!!" Shanks said, about to leave, but then turning back to Mihawk, "wait, if I wear a dress, are you going to try and look up it since Ben-Ben's not here to protect me?!"  
  
"Yes! Now LEAVE." Mihawk commanded. Shanks quickly skipped off.  
  
"..That is the GAYEST pirate I've ever seen.." said Jimbei, watching Shanks skip off.  
  
"How can you see, anyways? I mean.. You have a BAG on your head.." Mihawk asked.  
  
"I have my ways."  
  
"Fufufu.. Let's bring on the next pirate!" Doflamingo said, moving back to the other side of the table.  
  
"... Mihawk..?" Kuma asked, tapping the Spaniard on the shoulder.  
  
"What is it Kuma?"  
  
"...Can I.. Can I play with the puppy again..?"  
  
"The puppy..? OH! Yes, of course you may. Here you go," Mihawk said, reaching down and picking up nothingness, handing it to Kuma. "There you go."  
  
"Thank you," Kuma said, petting the invisible puppy.  
  
  
  
Smoker was the next to walk in -- smoking his two cigars and still wearing his marine jacket. "Um.. Hello.. My name is.. Two... Cigar..." he said, making stuff up on the spot.  
  
"Your name is Two Cigar? What awful parents you must have had.." Jimbei said.  
  
"I wasn't done! I'm Two Cigar... Joe... CAPTAIN Two Cigar Joe!" Smoker stated.  
  
"OoooOOOOO!! He's a STUD!!" Doflamingo squeeled, standing up on the table and thrusting in Smoker's general direction before having his leg grabbed by Jimbei and tugged back down into a sitting position.  
  
"I like puppies because they are soft.." Kuma said, petting the invisible puppy.  
  
"So.. Joe..I kinda like the sound of that.. You could travel with me and my mermen -- we'd be Jim and Joe! Or we could change our names to Thelma and Louise..Or even Bonnie and Clyde! I'll be Clyde!"  
  
"Um.. Okay.. So.. So I'm in?" Smoker asked eagerly.  
  
"Puppies are also nice because they are cute, and cuddly and give little puppy dog kisses.." Kuma continued to ramble. It was disturbing Smoker a little bit.  
  
"So.. Joe. Well, you'll be in if you can answer this simple question, alright?" asked Mihawk.  
  
"Sounds good." Smoker replied.  
  
"A boat leaves Alabasta at ten o'clock. The nearest island is, as the crow flies, 18 miles south. How far is the island as the three-legged cat limps?" Mihawk asked, smirking. Smoker stood there, a terrefied expression on his face.  
  
". . . .. AHHHH!!!!! MATH!!!!!!" he screamed, turning around and running off, flailing his limps wildly -- his marine jacket falling off.  
  
"Aww... Why did you make him leave..?" Doflamingo pouted.  
  
"He was a MARINE, that's why," Mihawk said, getting out of his seat and walking over to Smoker's jacket.  
  
"Ooohhhhhhhh..." said Doflamingo, understanding now.  
  
"Damn you're sharp, Mihawk! What would we do without you?" Jimbei said. Apparently, the bag had completly obstructed his ability to see Smoker was clearly a marine.  
  
"Puppies are cute but then again, mountains are nice.." Kuma continued to ramble on.  
  
"Well, what are we going to do now? Fufufu.." Doflamingo asked.  
  
"Obviously we know that we arn't going to find a replacement for Crocodile here.. So.. I'm going to get him out MYSELF," Mihawk said, taking off his coat and tossing it onto the table, putting Smoker's on instead. After lighting up two cigars in his mouth, he walked towards the door, turning around and saying to the others, "Get rid of the others," and then with those words, he left.  
  
"YEAH!!! MASSACRE TIME!!" Jimbei shouted.  
  
"YEAH!! MOLESTATION TIME!!!" Doflamingo shouted.  
  
"Gotta seize the day.. I mean, ROAR!!!" Kuma growled, transforming into a bear. The three men leapt over the table and raced off out the door after Mihawk.  
  
Moments later, Shanks walked into the room, wearing a long, beautiful light champagne coloured gown. He blinked a few times and looked around. "..Where did everybody go..?"  
  
  
  
After a couple days, Mihawk finally reached the naval base where Crocodile was being held. Leaving his hat in his boat, along with his sword (but keeping his dagger), he slicked his hair back with one hand and walked inside, lighting two more cigars up in his mouth -- thankful at this time that he took up casual smoking at the time he met Crocodile. Some marines approched him and saluted him, "Good afternoon, Smoker Taisa!!" one of them said. Mihawk raised a hand,   
  
"At ease," he instructed -- marines really WERE idiots, wern't they? Once the two marines had walked off, Mihawk continued his journey -- he was about to enter the main part of the base. He was certain here is where he would find where Crocodile was being held. As he put a hand out to open the door, it flew open, and a very pissed off women with light coloured hair stood there, wearing a dark reddish-pink coloured pantsuit.  
  
"SMOKER-KUN WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP HINA MOVE," she shouted, much anger and rage in her tone -- sort of like The Incredible Hulk, but more feminine. Sort of like what would happen if Hulk and Cher had a baby.   
  
"Oh..? Was.. Was I..?" Mihawk said, actually a little frightened of this woman. He'd assumed he was playing the role of the marine officer known as Smoker -- as he'd been called that twice already. This woman, was probably the marine officer he'd heard stories about. The crazy woman who spoke in third person -- Hina.  
  
"YES!! SMOKER-KUN FORGOT ALL ABOUT HINA, SO HINA IS NOW PISSED!!!" Hina screamed. She looked ready to Hina-Smash in Mihawk's face.  
  
"Well, let me make it up to you.." Mihawk said, acting a little more suave.  
  
"HOW?"  
  
  
  
Ten minutes later, Mihawk and Hina lay together, side by side, in Hina's bed, naked -- well, Mihawk was still wearing Smoker's jacket --, most of them under the covers. Mihawk just sat smoking, and Hina had a VERY pleased look on her face, and she declared, "BEST SEX OF HINA'S LIFE."  
  
"It was damn good for me, too, babydoll. Now, since we're even, you want to do me a favour?" Mihawk asked, reaching over and stroking Hina's hair.  
  
"ANYTHING! HINA DO ANYTHING FOR SMOKER-KUN NOW!"  
  
"Where are we keeping Sir Crocodile?"   
  
"CROCODILE IN DUNGEON BELOW BASE. HERE IS KEY!" Hina said, handing over the key to Crocodile's cell.  
  
"Thanks babydoll," Mihawk said, standing up and getting his pants on, "we'll have to do this again sometime," he said, winking at her. Hina grinned,   
  
"SMOKER-KUN HAVE FIRMER ASS THAN HINA REMEMBER. HINA LIKE FIRM ASS.""Umm.. Yeah. I've been working out.." Mihawk then thought of a fun way he could screw up Smoker's life since he was masquerading as him at this time. "Tell you what.. Next time you see me alone or even with other people -- just walk over to me and grope me. Okay? If I resist, it's not that I don't like you, it's just it's MUCH kinkier... Sound good?"  
  
"HINA LIKE THAT IDEA. HINA LOVES KINKY. NEXT TIME WE USE HINA DEVIL-FRUIT POWER AND HAVE BONDAGE FUN."  
  
  
  
  
  
Mihawk was glad to get out of Hina's room. Hina scared the shit out of him -- almost as much as Doflamingo. Naw. Doflamingo scared him more than anything. Hina at least shaved. Mihawk shuddered, and quickly whisked himself down to the prison at the bottom of the base, twirling the key around his finger -- part one of the plan was complete.  
  
  
  
Crocodile sat inside of his cell, reading a book he'd had thrown at him earlier that week. That book, was the strategy guide to the Sega game, "Barbie Super Model". Crocodile was quite intested in it, on account he'd been DYING to beat it for ages. "ooh.. So the car has TWO speeds -- slow and SLOWER! Wow. I'm learning so much.."  
  
"Psst.. Crocodile!" Mihawk said, quietly. Crocodile jumped up, eyes wide as he saw Mihawk."Ahh!! Smoker! I swear I wasn't doing anything bad!! DON'T THROW ANYTHING ELSE AT ME!! PLEASE!!" Crocodile sobbed. Mihawk sweatdropped and pulled off the jacket.  
  
"You MORON. You're a manly man! Not a MAN'S man! .. Well, actually.."  
  
"Mihawk!? How did you get in here?!"  
  
"I disguised myself as a marine."  
  
"There's a key to my cell -- Hina has it! You need to get that off of her! I think you shou-- ... What's that around your finger? IS THAT THE KEY?!"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"But.. But!! She doesn't give that to ANYONE! What did you do? Knock her out?"  
  
"Not exactally.."  
  
"Well, point is.. GET ME OUT OF HERE!! It's horrible!! I don't think I can take any more smoking of inferior quality cigars!!" Crocodile always seemed to complain about stupid things in times of crisis. Mihawk quickly unlocked the door to the cell and went in, unlocking the chains around his ankles and wrists. Crocodile stood up, and a sudden thought struck him, "um.. Mihawk? How.. How am I going to get out of here..?" he asked.  
  
"Simple.." Mihawk reponded, leaving the cell and walking over to where he left Smoker's jacket, and putting it back on. "I got you this." With that, he threw over Hina's pantsuit. Crocodile stared at Mihawk.   
  
"You've GOT to be kidding.."   
  
  
  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
  
  
-- A Note From Baka Kitsune --  
  
  
  
Oh man, even I find this amusing. Yes, I HAVE played Barbie Super Model. It zapped an hour and ten minutes of my life from me, and I want them BACK!! Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this -- I sure as hell liked writting it!  
  
  
  
This fic is dedicated to...  
  
  
  
Rachel the Demon; because she probably never dreampt that I would ever write a fic with a HETERO pair. IT COUNTS!! THEY HAD SEX!!! 


End file.
